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secretseal's Blog


:(

I have not been taking good care of myself. 

I eat all the time and I don't even take care of my skin. 





And, it seems very hard for me to motivate myself in any ways these days. 

I can't wait for my weekend getaway to have some time to re-read The Secret and restart. 



2013 Resolutions

I know it's quite late to make resolutions because it's been 17 days since new year day. 

To be honest, I do not normally make a list of resolution each year because I'm the type of person who lives from day to day. I never plan for the future. I daydream impracticably a lot about my future thou lol.  

Anywho.. I want to have a change. I want to be confident and be proud of myself. 

RESOLUTIONS:

1/ To be able to wear bikini confidently at the beach next summer.
Eat clean and train hard!



2/ Have a better skin and be able to rock my bare face everyday.



3/ Fix my teeth and have a bright smile confidently.
Braces? Invisalign?



4/ Be a nurse. 



5/ Get my PR.

6/ Travel around: start from road trips then fly interstates after that fly to other countries. 
Be able to cover the cost of 2 persons because bf is jobless :(




I do not know.

Really.

Good thing happens for a while and bad thing always has a chance to sneak into my life. 

I'm tired of fixing things in my life.

I really am.

Boredom

I'm so bored. Omg. You know, I feel like blogging about what is going on lately but I kinda hesitate to do so because I don't wanna remind myself how shit my life can be. 



My bf was drunk last weekend and he laid his finger on me. I knew he didn't mean it cause he didn't really hurt me. He was just angry. Maybe, I phrased it wrongly. He didn't hit me. He didn't hurt me. He just scared me. I am very sensitive. One intimidating gesture is enough to do the damage in my mind. 

Because of that, I treat him very badly since then. I treat him like he is a worthless piece of shit to me. I have my wrong here. I understand that. I just can't control my rage and anger when I see his face and hear his voice. 

Why am I like this?



Hopefully, I'll get better and I'll be happy like how I want it. 

Tipsy

I'm sorry if this post doesn't make sense at all as I'm under influence atm. Alcohol yo! I can't say I'm very tipsy because I still can think sense-fully. LOL!

I failed IELTS again. Well, I know I did great but not good enough since I need all 7's. My writing got 6.5. It's okay. Next time I'll do better. I feel like crying when I think of the results because I did put a lot of effort on it but I just got shit result. Maybe, I need to be more positive. My bf bought me <> on Amazon. I really wanted to have a copy of it so I can have happiness asap. I don't know why I'm so negative. Maybe, the book can help me to get whatever I want. I don't know. I feel like a loser. Everyone in my family is so successful, I don't even get a job. I don't know. I really do not know. 

Oh, one of my interview was unsuccessful. I'm still awaiting for another one's reply. I really want to get it. I know I can get it cause I did really well. Please, let me have a place in it. Please. 

It's like when I'm all positive and shiz I still get shit in the end. I don't know. I'm all so positive for certain thing but I still get shit like the IELTS. LOL!

I feel like a loser really. 

My bf is not that great. I know he did something really bad to me in the past and my family knew it. I'm so jealous of my younger sister you know. Her bf is so nice and stuff. In comparison, I know I shouldn't have compared them, my bf is so gaga like he is so not mature and he likes to act cool in front of friends although he is nearly 30. 

I can't say that to him because I'm not better myself. I'm 25 but I'm so immature. I don't want to work. I don't know.  I know I shouldn't be like that. I just .. I have a lot of stuffs in my heart that I can't tell anybody. I don't like them to judge me.I know I'm something I'm just not confident enough to be something. I doubt myself sometime. I really do not know. I think I say I do not know many times. I'm sorry.

Sometimes, I treat my bf really bad. I'm too dependent on him. It's not that great. I need to grow up.

What is life really?

I must be doing something really bad  in the past life and therefore I have to be suffering again and face the karma. 

I don't like this you know. I really don't. I wasn't like this before. I was all bubbly and fun. Now .. I'm wearing a mask. Inside, I'm all broken. Outside, I'm the old me. I'm scared. I don't know how to tell people that just be gentle to me. I'm not as strong as I used to be. I have had enough. I just want to have a rest. 

Sometimes, I laugh at myself for being so negative because it's so not me. 

I think .. I'm gonna cry myself to sleep tonight. 

I'm sorry for being so random like this :) I'll be okay soon. Cry cry cry and tomorrow will be okay hehe. 

Many many things

1/ Weeks before my first IELTS test, I did an intensive preparation for it. I need to get all 7's but I got 6.5 for speaking. So, I gotta spend another $330 for another test. Hopefully, I can get all 7's this time. 

2/ After weeks of damaging and constant emotional eating, I have gained 1kg. I'm not 52.7kg. I hate it!

After I stepped on to the scale and saw the figure displaying on it, I was like,



Then, I became

 

Then, my inside was like 



I need to stop all the destructive eating habits and start 30 Day Shred again!

Start from today!



3/ I had a good long talk with my bf's dad yesterday when he wasn't at home. I'm not sure what I can do to help my bf. According to his dad, he might be involved in fraud. I hate guys who are not decent (smoking, doing drugs, involving in indecent business etc). I'm very worried. Why on earth am I with such guy? Why? I do not understand. I'm a very normal girl. I do not smoke. I do not lie. I do not breach the law etc. Why? 



My bf has a lot of debt. He is going to file bankruptcy. I'm not sure if he is trying to run away from the fraud he created or not. Again, I did not ask him about this so I'm not sure how real is this shit. 

Yesterday, I told him that if he does one thing wrong I would have no mercy and break up with him cause I cannot keep up with this kinda life anymore.

I just don't know anymore.



4/ I checked my bank account. The number is ... shit. 



5/ Life is so fked now.

I can't cope with it.

I hate changing although some changes are good. However, I hate small changes in life. For example, my parents are here and they sleep in my room. I can't deal with it because I feel like I have no personal space although I love them to be with me. Sometimes, I want to be alone or I don't want to talk to anyone. Mom and Dad will just talk to me and I don't like this. Besides, I can't do whatever I want in my own room because they are here like doing 30DS. Gah, it's really hard to explain. It's more like I have my own rhythm and rules in my world. Once they are broken, I can't really fix it immediately. I need time and energy to get familiar with this kinda change again. 

I don't know. I hate small changes that affect my life. 

Ah, my dad just asked if I went to work or not today. I said no. He asked again what kind of job is that. I said that it's cause it's a casual position in an impatient way as I'm typing this blog post. Then, he yadda yadda'ed away. :< You know, I feel very bad to talk to them in this tone. It's really hard to explain.

Tomorrow I have work and I'm really afraid to go work again and get yelled by strangers. 

Also, my PR application is a mess, graduate program application is a mess, I'm still waiting for my IELTS result and I'm afraid for not getting all 7's, nursing registration and my bad eating habit. I feel fked. 

I really can't cope with all these. I resort my negative inner feelings with eating junk food. I basically finish 12 mini picnic bars, tons of sweetened juice, tons of rice, tons of caramel popcorn and the list goes on and on. 

I feel fked. 

P/s: So sorry about the long wordings. You can tell how I'm in a bad state at the moment.



Jealousy

I feel so jealous of my sister because she is skinnier. I'm not fat but I always think that I need to be fitter and slimmer as I got teased before. Oh well. T_T 

Yay



My period came today lol! 

But nay.. because I had tons of picnic bars. I think I had 6-7 bars for today. :/

I feel fat and unattractive.



I feel like doing some DIY's. I want to make my own cool tees or something hehe. 

Okie, night!

Is it PMS?

This morning, I didn't feel well so I refused to go to work. 

Argh, I don't know how to start this. 

Basically, my period hasn't come yet. I'm very worried and it is not because of pregnancy as I haven't done anything with my bf for a long time. I have this mood swing which is terrible and my eating habit is very unusual. Besides, I had a slight period like cramps this morning. How can I not worried? 

Anyway, my bf hurt my feeling. I understand 9 our of 10 guys will say the same things. I still get hurt. He asked if I did something with other guys. I said no and it is very clear that he knows whereabouts I am everyday. I said to him that I would like to do the pregnancy test myself so as to rule out pregnancy. He then blabbered that if it was positive, hospital would check everything especially DNA. It hurt my feeling a lot and I cried. 



I then asked him to go work and I would buy the test myself and there was no need for him to be there for me. 

He called me and said he was not going to work either as he wanted to take care of me. I was really disappointed and angry at him and I didn't want to talk to him. He was disgusting inside, 

I did the test right after he bought me pregnancy test. It was negative. Of course, it was negative. We both are very sure about it. I just did it to rule out pregnancy. After that, I took the train home. I was tired and exhausted. Sick and the period like cramp. Everything was and is shit. 

Now, I feel very miserable. I don't even want to talk to my parents. Why? 

I always have PMS, but this time it's bad. 

I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow. 

"Hello! "

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Impermanence

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Fitness, court & bf

Gah, I haven't been lurking on here for a long time. 

Anyway, I have started 30 Day Shred. It's quite hard, to be honest. I'm so unfit lol. 



It's quite hard to tame my night time binging recently. I don't know why. It's not like I have the habit of eating supper. Maybe, it's because of the winter. T_T Last night, I had malteasers and mars bars. Sigh. 



One big good news is .. My bf is safe from going to jail. Thank goodness, the magistrate was on a good mood as it was the first case on the court for him to deal with. The magistrate is known to be very sceptical and strict. My bf has the long lost luck now! 



It was my first time stepping my feet into a court. I didn't know how a real court looked like and how the system worked in there as well. It's all thanks to my bf's problem  that brought me there. I was furious about it. 

Anyway, my bf is going to have mental plan and help from a professional and kind psychiatrist. He is going to do 15 months of unpaid community correctional work. I know it will be hard on him as he needs to do his job to earn money and pay the debts off. He won't be behind the wheel for 2 years as well. I really hope that he has learnt his lesson this time. 



Out of my expectation, my bf is so nice now. He improves a lot. He is more kind and less angry, violent etc. He is so patient with me. I'm so happy!



I'm gonna clean my room now as I have just got back from my holiday. Tons of things to do, meh. 

Nervous

It's 3am here. Although I don't really sleep early, I feel extra nervous tonight that I could pee in my pants. Tomorrow, I'll be be heading back as my holiday has come to an end. I'm so nervous!!! It's not like I don't want to go back or hate it. I just can't find the right words to explain why it is that I feel nervous going back there. Maybe, I don't know the answer. I'm afraid that I will cry tomorrow at the airport saying bye bye to my mom. Another thing is I don't know how to face my bf because it may feel awkward as we have not been seeing each other for 2 months. I know it's not right but I'm that type of person who is quite hard to engage a close relationship with. Wtf! Ok that's stupid lol. My tummy is acting up due to the nervousness. T__T this stupid post will be deleted I just want to rant and vent.

Emotional

I'm very emotional today. 



I got a book. It's "My Story" by Dave Pelzer. 



Well, I had read "The Child Called 'It'" at high school. I simply love it so I got this book and I thought it will be a good company in a long haul flight. I guess I'm wrong. I will be finishing this book by tomorrow. lol.

The story somehow touches my heart because it reminds me of how my bf mistreated me although I in no way experienced child abuse. 

I texted my bf saying that I can't do it anymore as the past haunts me on and off. I don't want to go back to the past where I have been leaving for long. 

I know I'm not right for calling a quit because we have come so far. Dragging him to see counsellor, psychiatrist etc. He is changing. Slowly. Me? I'm still playing tug of war with my inner fear. I'm stupid. 



I went out of control today.

I just gorged food down to my throat hoping it will help to eat my emotions away.



Clearly, it never helps. I feel very fat. 



Oh well, I'm gonna have another serve of carrot cheese cake. Until I can't breathe. 

My mom asked me why people have mental problems (I think she was talking about depression, anxiety that sort of problems not crazy schizo).

If it was me 2 years ago, I would answer my mom that it was because people are stupid. 

Now, I answered her, "People have different experiences in life. Some can't cope with it and get mental illness. I guess what we can do is be empathy to them and try not to judge them first." 

Mom, I'm somehow somewhat ill inside too. 

I feel fat.

I'm on holiday. It's so hard to get active and control my mouth. I can't weigh myself so I'm not sure how much I weigh now. 

I feel fat. Urgh. 



I can't wait to finish my holiday. One more wekk to go and I can get back on track.



Height: 160cm
Weight: ?52-53kg (before holiday)
Goal weight: 50kg 

Diet will start from 11th of June. I can't wait! 
  • I will log on fatsecret everyday to record my food intake and exercise.
  • I will do 30 Day Shred.
  • I will not eat after 7pm (unless I have dinner date).
  • I will only snack once a day.  
  • I will sleep before 12am. 
I will be like this next time!



Emptiness

These days, I feel really empty since the fb incident. 

It's so empty that I almost have no feelings for him. How I wish I am very sure that I have no feeling for him so I could just leave him. 



In fact, I'm not very sure.

He can sense it too. He asked why. I couldn't give him a valid answer because I don't know why too. I feel so sorry for him because it's really unfair for him. It seems like I'm leading him on. In fact, I'm not. I just don't want to make a regretful decision before I sort it out. 

If he hadn't threatened me, things wouldn't have turned out to be like this.

I wouldn't be confused like I am right now. 



Hence, I choose to blank my mind and not to think too much.

No thinking, no suffering. 


Because of Facebook 4

This will be the last chapter of the war between my bf and I due to fb.

As I mentioned in the previous post, my bf threatened me by saying he would kill my rabbit.

Sorry, matey.



It's not that I don't care about the safety of my baby boo boo bunny. I just can't let him control me using my fear or something I care a lot anymore.

I know I know.. I have my fault to make things worse because I refused to give in.

Anyway ..

He called and told me that he deleted and blocked the girl to show me that he really wants me. He chose me over her. I doubt he did it lol.

To be honest, I wasn't asking him to delete the girl. All I wanted is a really good explanation about the situation without the threats.

He gotta learn how to be responsible in controlling his foul mouth.

Unlike the past, I won and I feel really strong inside.



He should never ever mess up with me if he wants me to stay.


Because of Facebook 3

I wondered if I'm too jealous. 



Jealousy might be the cause of the problem. 

I couldn't take things off my mind all day while waiting for my atarax to be worn off all day. 

I kept questioning myself if it was me, the jealous one, who caused a fight between my bf and I. 
If it was me, the jealous one,  who kept thinking the reason why my bf likes to talk to random girls. 

I said sorry to him that I made accusation because I did not know if he really talks to girls behind me. 
I did say sorry. 

He didn't even say sorry. 

I couldn't accept his explanation. He added shit loads of girls on fb. I asked who they are. They are either his friends he knew back in eon years ago or they are going to help him to  do web designing.

C'mon. You serious? All of them are either friends or designer? Do you believe it? I call this BS.



I'm not that stupid. Alright, let's assume they are friends or designers.

He must be fkn kidding me when this girl doesn't live in Australia so he and her can't be real life friends right?

He then said she studied in Australia before.  

Oh really? 

Ok fine. 

He must be fkn kidding me when this girl is a so-called fashion advisor who sells clothes on fb. 

Is she really a web designer? NOPE.

Last night, he said to me that they talked over the phone about the website. No email involved. 

So, they never met before, I assumed. (Reminder: I'm assuming and trying to be Conan)

Now, he told me that she studied in Australia before. So they kinda met before? 



I always tell him that if you want to lie, make sure you lie better. Or, just don't lie. 

I'm so sick of his lies. 

He then said that guys like my statuses as well. True that. One difference thou i.e they are my real life friends. I only flirt with my ass. Ok, eww that. 

He said he would call his friend to ask about one of my guy friends (they are friends). I was like, "Go and call. I'm not afraid of it because I'm not like you, I don't make lies. Dare me. If I'm right, we end this relationship." 

I had had enough. 

So, I said I would called the girl up and asked if she really did web designing for him.

I guess he flied into a rage from shame after hearing that. 

Then, he started threatening me. 

Threats: 
(a) He would ask the girl to spread my rumours. He would spread rumours about me too. 
(b) He would call my dad and tell him. He would add my dad's fb. 
(c) He would kill my rabbit. 

I was OK when he talked about (a) and (b). This is because I have a thick face. I don't mind losing my face when people spread untrue rumours about me because they are  NOT true. The girl doesn't know me. For her to spread rumours about me, it's not legit. No one will believe her lol. As no one really trusts my bf, people may think that he just jokes around. 

As for (b), my dad doesn't really care if he calls him because my dad's English is quite limited. I'm happy too if he adds my dad on fb so my dad can learn English. LMAO.

For (c), this is really tough. As I'm on holiday now, my rabbit is under his care. Fk that shit. 



Damn. 

I'm a serious person. You just don't want to make sick joke when I'm serious. I will take it literally.

Even if he didn't mean it, I couldn't forgive him too soon because he should learn that he is the one who takes responsibility for his mouth. I told him many times about this.  

Then, I told him that I wanted to end the relationship as he threatened me. 

At that one second, I really wanted to end it. If I was the old me, I would cry and beg. I would say that I was wrong and please forgive me blah blah don't do anything to my rabbit blah blah. 

No. Sorry, mate. I'm stronger now. I know his tricks because I read a lot of books talking about abuse. Threatening will not work on me anymore. 

Uh-uh. 



 I know I have my wrong in this situation. I said sorry. However, I never ever once called him names. He did. I never ever once put threats on him. He did. 

In the end, we made a deal that he would call the girl up on loud speaker in front of me to prove me wrong that they really only talk about web designing. And, I will not forgive him because of the threats he made. 

Do you know the feeling of mind exhaustion?

I'm so tired of putting effort in this relationship. I have gone so far turning him from being abusive into a quite normal person. He can't stop lying and making threats still.

I'm so exhausted. 




P/s: I feel like my blog is about bashing my bf haha. Oh well, fight is unavoidable in a relationship. 

Because of Facebook 2

OK. Partly, it was my fault. Unlike him, I admitted it and I said sorry. 

He had his point that you can't control people to not like your fb status. Fine, I accept this. 

I posted this on my fb. 



He commented: Disagree. 
I commented: Why you disagree?
He commented: am not bored. 

I was mad and his half-ass sentence is really easy to be misunderstood. 

It could be:
(a) I flirt although I am not bored in this relationship so I disagree this quote. 
Or
(b) No, honey. I am not bored to be with you so I didn't flirt. I disagree this quote because it will never ever happen. 

As I said, I was mad. I wasn't really rational at that time. I didn't analyse much. So, my mind opted choice (a).

We had a mild debate. 

He said, "Now, all of my friends know that we had a fight because of the post you made on your wall." 

I was like, "Most of the fb users post emo quotes on their wall. If your friends think that posting such quote on my wall equals to we are having fight, it just doesn't make any sense. Did they ask you about it? Did they ask me about it? No." 

He knew he was on the losing side. 

He then dragged in an irrelevant topic. 

He said that I helped a random guy to find a home for his dog on fb and it was fine for me to do so. 

Oh holy mama. 




Was he serious? I was helping the dog. The guy who posted it doesn't even own the dog. He was helping the dog. He doesn't know the owner. 43 people who barely know this guy also shared and spread the news. I shared the photo because I have friends and family living in SG who might be able to help the dog. 

Hey, there is no need to put the dog into sleep!!!

So now, tell me if I helped the random guy or the poor dog? 

Oh my cheesus. It was so ridiculous. 

Lately, I'm really into nevershoutnever. Today, I shared their song named "Lousy Truth". I really like their music. I keep singing Lousy Truth way before we had fight. 

He sent a message to me saying that he should let me go just like the lyric blah blah blah so I can find a new bf and life to make me happy. 

I just wanted to share what I like on fb. What is wrong with that? 

Am I dating an idiot? 



He said sorry afterwards.

I am not particularly mad. He is so childish. 

Now, I'm laughing at his immaturity.



1-20 of 20 Blogs   

Previous Posts
:(, posted February 6th, 2013
2013 Resolutions, posted January 17th, 2013
I do not know., posted October 23rd, 2012
Boredom, posted October 3rd, 2012
Tipsy, posted August 24th, 2012
Many many things, posted July 22nd, 2012
I can't cope with it., posted July 10th, 2012
Jealousy, posted July 8th, 2012
Yay, posted July 7th, 2012
Is it PMS?, posted July 5th, 2012
"Hello! ", posted July 4th, 2012
Impermanence, posted June 24th, 2012
Fitness, court & bf, posted June 14th, 2012
Nervous, posted June 9th, 2012
Emotional, posted June 6th, 2012
I feel fat., posted June 2nd, 2012
Emptiness, posted May 30th, 2012
Because of Facebook 4, posted May 27th, 2012
Because of Facebook 3, posted May 27th, 2012
Because of Facebook 2, posted May 27th, 2012
Because of Facebook, posted May 26th, 2012
Hello, posted May 23rd, 2012

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